CHAPTER 2: Dangerous Alliances & Roundhouse Kicks
Hey you. I dont know why you would be reading Chapter 2 if you haven’t read Chapter 1, but for the sake of the peculiar folk who will undoubtedly do just that, lets go ahead and provide a quick summary.
Our hero, @Sakyi_Sak, aka Captain Africa, hasn’t actually done anything heroic yet; or even officially became Captain Africa yet. As of where we are in the story now, he’s just ridiculously good at Post-Sunset Camoflauge. Doctor Kwaku Nana Amponsah Agyei-Mensah has recently put him thru a process that took @Sakyi_Sak from a bony, fly attracting Blackie into a swole, super-hero-esque guy with Elbows sharp as Japanese swords and Poisonous Ashiness, who can only form proper grammatical sentence when there is rice in his mouth.
K yall good? Here we go:
CHAPTER 2: Dangerous Alliances & Roundhouse Kicks
As @Sakyi_Sak rises off the bed and views his newly sharpened elbows, his freshly blackened skin, and his suddenly swole muscles, he can’t help but feel empowered! “Oh greatest thanks you Dokita Mensah, In the life of mine you have transform-ed it Massa!” . To which Dr. Kwaku Nana Amponsah Agyei-Mensah reminds him that he can no longer speak good english unless there is Rice in his mouth, so our Hero goes to one of the four corners of the room to eat some of the Jollof Rice that Doc had prepared.
There is a knock at the door. Now this is the 1700s so peepholes hadn’t been invented yet, so Doc opens the door and immediately gets a blowdart straight to the heart! Damn. What a way to go. It was past sunset by now so wasnt no way in hell the Bad guys were gonna see @Sakyi_Sak in the corner of a room with no lights. So, being the soft guy that he was (see the experiment didnt give him no courage or nothin like that) he hides in the corner while the Guerillas (not to be confused wit Gorillas) go downstairs to the Secret Lab. He recognizes them as the notorious gang L-SAT (Light Skinned African Thugs)
A group of the lightest africans in the whole continent who come together to do evil and plot just to lift themselves up & bring the Blacktop-Black brothas and the Sunray-Singed Sistas down. The thing about it is tho, they are about the shade of a Reese’s Peanut Butter cup themselves. But since they are lighter than all the other africans, the continent views them as light skinned.
Anyways our Hero @Sakyi_sak camoflauges with the Darkness while he witnesses the gang take something from the Lab downstairs and run out of the Hut’s Front Door in anxiousness, while singing in unison “Luke at me now….Am gettin payy-paaaa” in the strongest of African accents. He guesses they must have stolen something valuable from the lab.
After they leave, Sakyi goes to check on his new friend, but he’s too late. His life gone. That nigga dead. After he finishes crying for his mans (tears of pure Oil),
…he takes The Late Doctor’s Midnight Vision Glasses, and vows to get Revenge for Doctor Kwaku Nana Amponsah Agyei-Mensah! (Who from now on will be referred to as KNAAM cuz typin all that out I be hurt) Now Sakyi has to make a decision, does he go find the people that killed the man who just gave him his powers? or go help his cousins and them that are being taken into slavery and shipped to the New World? After 8 seconds of deliberation and realizing that with these Midnight Vision Glasses he can now see himself after 6pm, he decides that he should help the man who helped him, he owes it to Dr. KNAAM!
As soon as Sakyi steps out of his home, he remembers that he still hasnt eaten. But he says “Hunger will okay me for now, Mission I have to do much importance for!” Damn this nigga really cant speak no english when he’s not eating rice smh. Sakyi had always heard that the L-SAT’s headquarters was somewhere nearby, but he wasn’t exactly sure where it was located. And since it was the 1700s GPS wasn’t invented yet. And since it was the jungle, aint no road signs anyway so GPS wouldnt help. Damn Our hero was caught in quite a quandry.
(Quandry - A difficult situation; a practical dilemma) I know alot of you youngins today dont read too much. Yall just be waitin for the movie to come out. Don’t worry Sakyi didn’t know what quandry meant either)
As he was walking aimlessly through the jungle, trying to find anything that could point him in the direction of the L-Sat headquarters, Sakyi caught wind of something with Jet-Black skin, and yellow eyes, assumed it was a Jaguar or a Leopard, and he had his sharp ass elbows ready for if the feline pounced. However what emerged wasn’t a black cat. It was a black ass African. Lord knows Sakyi wouldnt have been able to see him at all without the Midnight vision glasses! The man said “Sakyi. Yes. I know who you are. My name is @Yo_Knowledge but I go by KwaCool. Dr. Kwaku Mensah was, my father. I want to help you find the people that did this!” … Sakyi says “My name how are you knowing it??” KwaCool says to him “1st off…Try not to speak broseph. I dont speak that broken english shit. You rappin. Secondly…My pops used to talk about you all the time. He needed to find the perfect guy. Someone who wasn’t as black as shit, but on the contrary, who’s shit was as black as him! And he found yo Shit’s Twin lookin ass!”
Sakyi didn’t know whether KwaCool was tryin to fry him or not. But he figured Dude just lost his pops, so he’d let it slide. They continued to rummage through the jungle. 23 minutes later, they arrived at the brick wall which surrounded the L-SAT headquarters. They had no idea how they would get over it, but then Sakyi leaned on the wall and his sharp ass elbows pierced one of the bricks and he had an idea. He would use his Vector Knife Edged elbows to pierce the wall and climb up. Since he is super strong now he tells @Yo_Knowledge to get on his back so they can climb up together (#STOP) because KwaCool didnt have sharp ass Axe & Machete elbows so it would be alot more difficult for him to get up there on his own. Nahmean.
When theyre almost at the top of the wall, they are Spotted by 1 of the Light Skin African Thug’s Security Guards. Of course he is black as hell. Because everyone knows 2AM BLack Security Guards are way more scary and fierce than a light skin Security guard. Shoot do Light Skin Security even exist? I wouldnt feel safe at all!
But anyways…the Black Security Guard starts doin the most! Radios or Walkie talkies werent invented yet cuz (as I keep having to remind you) its like 1758 out this bitch. Shoot they just invented candles. There hadnt even invented a way to fry chicken, niggas ate that shit fresh off the hen. But back to the story at hand:
The black security guard starts doin the absolute most! Yelling the Breach Alert Song… “BREACH IN THE L-SAT ROUTINE!!!” (to the tune of the song ‘You are My African Queen’ and at the same time he decides to follow Sakyi and KwaCool up the wall. So he starts, using the holes that Sakyi made with his Sharp ass elbows (I cant stress enough how unbelievably rough and sharp his elbows were) , and begins to climb. But by the time he gets to about the 4th hole up, he faints and falls to the ground, Dead. Thats when Sakyi remembers how the Doc told him that his ash was now Poisonous. The Charcoal Security guard must have inhaled some of the #Potent Elbow Ash Residue that Sakyi’s Katana Sword elbows left on the bricks.
When they get down on the other side of the wall, @Yo_knowledge says to Sakyi “Follow me, I know the way around this place”. @Sakyi_Sak tries to ask KwaCool if he’s been at L-SAT Headquarters before, but it seems now he can’t even talk at all let alone form proper grammatical sentences. It seems that when he goes too long without eating rice, he loses the power to speak :( . So Sak just nods his head and follows him. They go to a room where all of the Light Skinned African Thugs are gathered around. Not just the 5 that robbed the Doc’s Lab, but 5 more. (There are 10 of them in all in case you aint so good with numbers) As they spy on the L-SATs they see them all sitting next to what appears to be a big chamber pot full of Peanut Butter Soup! The aroma fills the room, Sakyi wants to go in there and get some so bad, but he knows theres no way he could fight off 10 people alone!
Next thing you know, he hears a CLICKING sound and turns around. He turns around to see KwaCool locking the door wit extra heavy bolts and locks and all that. Holding a blowdart (#STOP) to his mouth and pointing it straight at Our Hero. Sakyi’s eyes look like he’s tryna say “What in the Hayll nigga” but all that comes out is Hannhh? *Ying Yang Twins voice*
KwaCool tells Sakyi to walk into the room where the L-SAT’s were. He does so, hands on his head, with a confused look on his face. They enter the room and all the Barely Lighter than Everybody Else Africans start applauding and smiling. @Yo_Knowledge aka KwaCool aka the Traitor goes on to say “Sakyi Sak, You foolish ass nigga!
Sakyi wants to say “But you’re darkskinned like me! How could you do this to your own people???!” But all that comes out is “Need Riiiiceee” (dat nigga really needed some) …but KwaCool the Traitor actually is quite fluent in Hunger, and he replies “Well Mr. Sakyi Sak…I’m actually not this black. I went to the beach this weekend, so I could fool you Muahaha!!! *evil laugh* I am actually the Leader of The L-Sat’s! I was actually kinda mad you had never heard of me when I told you my twitter name was @Yo_Knowledge. Like wtf, I thought we were gon battle right there, but you hadnt even heard of a brotha smh. #ImNotAStar . Now we are going to broil you alive in this Peanut Butter Soup over this fire and you will be the Meat for our Soup!!! And once we digest you (#STOP) we will have all of your powers!!! MUAHAHA!!” The L-SAT’s all smack each other in the face wit the backhand. (The High Five or the Pound wasnt invented yet so this was how you showed somebody that they were #YoNigga
So the L-SAT’s tie up Our Hero. Put Maggi Cube seasoning and all these other salts on him for taste (#STOP) and get ready to throw him in the pot. By now its been so long since he’s eaten any rice that he’s weaker than he’s ever felt. That boy too weak…like 14 days. *Wayne voice*
But right as they finish throwing salt on the boy Sakyi (literally) there is a crash! Two black ass Crimefighter in the face ass brothas swing in from the sky! Its @BlackJack710 and @TriniFoodStamp aka Jack & Ninja aka MMB, the Midnight Mensah Brothers! Before they even land on the ground, Ninja (@TriniFoodStamp) tosses a bowl of rice to Sakyi. But of course he cant catch it cuz he’s all tied up…but he immediately goes to the ground and eats up the Jollof off the wooden floor. Meanwhile in that same split second, @BlackJack710 pours some Fanta Strawberry, mixed with Malta Goya, onto all the lit candles in the room (remember electricity hadnt been invented yet, i dont think) This mixture causes an explosion and then causes all the lights to be out.
Now with the lights out and with @Sakyi_Sak gaining his strength back, they easily beat up the 11 L-SAT gang members. KwaCool says “Oh NO!!! dont let Sakyi get his powers back!!!!”
Sakyi yells at KwaCool while whuppin his ass: “Damn right I’m living well! Sakyi just stands for SCHEME AND KILL YOU INFIDELS!!!” *Drake voice*
Sakyi Ninja and Jack each have their own up his style for each bad guy. Sakyi just elbows them in the mouth which is instant death…Alll that Ashhh…in yo mouth…thats deadly *Waka voice* …Ninja is, the worlds first african Ninja, so he specializes in Roundhouse Kicks to the face. Like the L-SAT’s dont even see them coming (cuz he’s wearin all black [Tout Noir])
…and Jack. He’s been a Goat Herder all his life so he uses his skill for Lassoing his Flocks and just Lasso’s all the L-Sat’s and strangles them niggas Alive. Just like that. All Them L-SAT niggas dead. Funeral. *Fab voice*
While leaving the scene, the Midnight Mensah Brothers explain that they are the REAL sons of Dr. Mensah, and that they can help Sakyi to complete the mission that he was created to do, Save the Darkies!
Sak says to them “Okay that sounds great. We have a deal. Just one thing…….I am no more @Sakyi_Sak …..from now on …I am CAPTAINNNNN AFRRRRICAAAA!!!
PART THREE COMING SOON NEGROES
CAPTAIN AFRICA: Chapter One
Becoming Like Another Comicbook King
Legend passed down to : T.J. Acquah
The story of Captain Africa doesn’t take place in the 1940’s like the whiteman’s story of Captain America. It takes places 200 yrs earlier on the West coast of the Motherland. (Thats Africa in case u Akatas didnt know) A young, frail, hungry, Shadow lookin boy named @Sakyi_sak (yes he had the @ sign in his name and everything, you can check his birth certificate if you want to) had been witnessing many of his relatives being taken away, sold to the British on slaves ships day after day. They would have taken him away as well except for two things. 1: He’s too bony and weak to work slave shifts, and ugly enough to kill any of the other slaves on the slaveship that might have sensitive eyes. Reason 2: They couldn’t see his black, midnight, easily camoflauge wit a black hole in the face ass. At night he blended wit the Darkness, and during the day, he blended in by standing next to Light Poles.
During these times of hardships, one day, @Sakyi_Sak is approached by a scientist named Kwaku Nana Amponsah Agyei-Mensah (thats all his first name. also he can see Sakyi because the Doc has special Midnight vision Glasses).
Dr. Agyei- Mensah says in the deepest of Broken African Accents: “Young man you are BLACK beyond your years. Ebony does not begin to describe your tone. The Sun put in overtime on you. Matter of fact, Double Overtime. You look like you bleed Coca-Cola. God said Let there be the Opposite of You….” and so on. (He continued on with Metaphors of Sakyi’s Blackness for about 18 minutes, but I dont have enough time to type it all. He continues saying “However, BlacKEY, we CAN use your Immense Charcoal Power to create a hero that this country, this Continent, this WORLD, has never seen! (literally)” But to this @Sakyi_Sak says “Massa….dont you see how frail and bony and hungry I am? How can a Gnat & Flea attracting boy like me help my people? Shit I look like I need help my damn self!” Dr. Mensah yells at him, even considers taking his belt off to beat him for his lack of confidence. “Be not afraid…I mark it on the wall today…If you come with me right now…YOU can be the Sunburnt Savior!”
The Doctor’s words truly inspire Sakyi’s Pitch Black Vin Diesel movie lookin ass, so he follows the doctor. Knowing not what lies ahead. Along the way the come across a Tiger! Sakyi is scared! He says to himself “What in the hell?? I thought dem bitches were only in Asia!” (i bet you didnt know that you ignorant reader. Aint no tigers in Africa smh …ignorance on 1000) …and the Doctor says to him, “Calm your nerves Shaded Soldier. This is my pet, Kofi Tiger. He was imported directly from Nepal on Thursday. He will assist you in your conquest in due time”
Sakyi says to himself “Is this negro say Nipple? How you order from Nipple? That like Ebay after Dark or somethin?” ..The Doctor ignores his foolishness. #Kwasia. After journeying a little while longer they arrive at the Doctor’s home. Sakyi sees that it is just a small hut. He thinks to himself “What typa cheap ass Witch doctor am I incollocating with right now??” They walk the tiny 1 bedroom grass & straw hut. Sakyi’s hungry yellow eyes light up when he sees that there is a Rice Cooker in each corner of the small hut. He thinks “Well at least I can get some food even if this doctor is crazy…cuz I’m hungrier than…myself on that Feed The Children Commercial in 08! #ImNotAStar “
However, next thing u know…the Doctor takes a fufu stick and pounds on the Straw roof of the Hut 3 times, while saying “Asamoah Gyan” simulataneously in rhythm….and the ground of the hut starts to open up! A stair case composed completely of melted down Steel-Like-Solid Jasmine Rice leads them to the basement, and in that basement is a lab full of many experiments. Pain relievers made of Fufuo, Jasmine Rice Jewelry and Adornments, Chinese Plantain Slippers, Lakers Jerseys stitched with Jollof Rice….all that.
Dr. Agyei-Mensah says to @Sakyi_sak “Lie down on this metal slab immediately! …#Stop” (In Ghana we say #Stop instead of #Pause because we feel it is the most powerful way in which you can say No Homo). Sakyi gets on the slab (#Stop) and is chained down with SugarCane threads by Dr. Agyei-Mensah. He puts a Frozen Bag of Okra in Sakyi’s mouth to keep him from screaming, and places his hand in some Peanut Butter soup, for no reason other than to have a Peanut Butter Soup reference in this story. Next he pushes the ignition (by kicking a soccer ball into a goal that says “Ignition” ..and the machine starts to do its work. Sakyi is injected with all types of Fufu Powders and rice serums, and you can see his skin getting even darker and ashier! (I didnt think it was possible either)
When the experiment is over, Sakyi emerges as a cut, swole ass African, Black as shit, Fine boy no pimples. His hands are now rougher than Rough itself, and his elbow Ash resembles that of a mountaintop in the snowiest of seasons. He doesn’t need to be unlatched from the machine because he is so strong that the thought of the rice in the corner of the room, he easily bends the Sugar Cane threads he had been tied down with. He tries to speak what comes out is “Wow Dokita Mensah, U have truly Strong Me Muscular yes?!”
Dr. Kwaku Nana Amponsah Adjei-Mensah explains to Sakyi that the serums that were injected in him have many side effects, one of those being that he is now 100% fluent in Broken english, and can only speak with proper sentence structure while there is Rice in his mouth. He also explains to our hero that his elbows are now sharper than any sword, and that his ash now a poisonous residue, incurable by any Jergens or Vaseline product! If his ash is brushed into anyones eyes they will be blind forever, ears they will be deaf, and if they lick his elbow….oh man. They are dead. Oh man.
TUNE IN FOR PART 2 SOMETIME SOON